Between the Shadow and the Soul
by Mia-Zeklos
Summary: With River and Melody overshadowing her from both sides, she finally decided that neither would do - or at least, not for now. A look at Melody/River post-Berlin and onwards and her struggle with the expectations placed upon her by everyone important in her life.


**Author's Notes: I always felt that there was this problem of River's that was never addressed – she couldn't turn from Melody to River overnight and probably went through some time when she was neither of them and I wanted to explore that.**

**The quotes used are as following from **_**The Waste Land**_** by T.S. Eliot, **_**Scoundrel**_** by Hawkboy and the last is Pablo Neruda, but I couldn't find the name of the poem (not really sure it's got one).**

**Anyway. I'd really love to know what you think about it, so feel free to share your opinion.**

_Who is the third who walks always beside you?_

_When I count, there are only you and I together_

_But when I look ahead up the white road_

_There is always another one walking beside you_

It was the eighth time she heard the words 'but River Song would/wouldn't' that finally made Melody snap.

"I don't care!" The Doctor looked taken aback, but she ignored it. "River Song wouldn't, but I would."

"But you are–"

"Not yet." Her voice was quiet, but she saw the effect it had on him. "I'm not her yet. Look, I know that you want River Song and that Mum and Dad want their daughter or their best friend – I'm not really sure – but I can't be any of that yet, all right?"

There was a pause and then the Doctor nodded slowly. "All right. I'm sorry, I didn't mean–" His voice died and he tried again. "What would you like me to call you? Melody or Mels or–"

"Either would do," she said softly, then gave him a chaste kiss. "Thank you."

**o.O.o**

Sometimes, when she got tired of the everyday university life, Melody came to spend a few days with him (the Doctor had to admit that the TARDIS was more inclined to come in time with the woman's schedule than with his, which meant that she was always in time for her morning classes). She'd made herself at home by simply imagining the bedroom she would like, and that was how he heard her when the screaming started.

It was only small whimpers at first but then, from the wall he shared with her room, the Doctor could hear them gradually intensifying. It took half a minute for him to get out of bed and into her room, gently shaking her shoulder, trying not to startle her further as she trembled under the blanket, her face contorted as if she was in pain.

"Mel! Mel, wake up!"

He'd taken to calling her that because nobody else had done it before; she wasn't Melody or Mels or River right now and she seemed to like it.

Two disoriented eyes – dark green in the near-darkness of her room – opened slowly and she blinked owlishly at him, then, before she could stop it, a convulsion passed through the hand closest to her nightstand.

Closest to her gun.

For a few seconds, she was at the most vulnerable he had ever seen her being, and then a quiet "Sorry" fell from her lips.

"It doesn't matter," he assured her softly, "Having a bad dream?"

She nodded minutely. "You could say that." There was a moment of silence as she apparently weighed what she wanted to say in her mind. "Why did you ask the TARDIS to give me a gun?" she asked abruptly. "It's not in her nature to create weapons. Why would you do that for someone like me?"

"I wanted you to feel safe." _I wanted to show you that I trust you. _It seemed too cruel to say it – too soon after she had almost succeeded killing him – but he sent the thought to her and felt her mind gently touch his as she accepted the message. "Guns are kind of–" He gestured around helplessly. "– your thing."

"I could feel it rising up again, it's all still in my head," she whispered. "I could have killed you right here."

"You didn't."

"But I could have."

"But you _didn't_."

She tried to smile but instead, her facade broke down all of a sudden. Her eyes were glistening and her voice trembling as she breathed, "How can you even trust me to be here?"

"Oh, Mel." He brought her closer to himself and she buried her curly head in his shoulder. "Of course I trust you. It may seem otherwise sometimes, but I always trust you." It was part trying to offer comfort to a version of her he didn't yet know – so young and sometimes so vulnerable and so unlike the woman he knew – and part an apology for her future self for not keeping that promise sometimes. It felt like a natural continuation of his own words to wrap his arms around her waist and kiss her forehead, but he stopped himself; the fact that she was reacting the way she was right now was more than enough to remind him _that she wasn't River. _Yes, the body was very much the same and sometimes character traits got tangled, but she was, right now, a completely different person and she was–

"I'm fine," she murmured and looked up with a small smile. "You can kiss me if you'd like."

"I – I'm not sure if that's a good idea," he stammered, very desperately not to think about it, but the pink elephant principle was working irritatingly well.

"You thought about it and I thought that it'd be okay, because I want to kiss you too." When he still didn't react, she rolled her eyes. "No potentially lethal make up this time, I promise."

"No, that's not... That's not the problem." His voice was quiet and he sort of wished he could close his mind as well to other Gallifreyans as he could to humans. Not that one could meet many humans that could enter anyone's mind that easily. "I just... Isn't it too... you'll regret this later."

There. That sounded final enough, but Mel just laughed, the sound gentle and inviting like bells in a windy morning. "It's not cheating if it's me, you know."

His first instinct was to answer _Yes, it is_, but there was pride to be considered. "This has nothing to do with River."

"Yes, it does," she said, that infuriating smirk still curling her lips. "Everything's got something to do with River when I'm around. I'm just not mentioning it because you can't help it."

And before he could say anything else – and most likely embarrass himself even further – the Doctor felt her lips pressing against his and for several minutes, he forgot what he was supposed to be denying.

_Now they've got you up in arms, psychopathic soldier_

_Just like that they suit you up; just like that they sold you_

_You were born inside those city walls, born to be a wrecking ball_

_Born a politician's pawn, born to wreck it all_

The whole Universe had recently went to hell – or probably beyond, considering that everything was happening at once – and yet there was only one thing the Doctor was unsure of as he was taken down the stairs into the depths of Area 52.

In the timelessness that currently reigned over the world, he couldn't be sure whether he'd meet River, Melody or someone in between; couldn't be sure whether she'd be pleased to meet him or not as her own mother led the way to the place she had been meaning to show him. As it turned out, he needn't have worried. The moment he saw her, any hesitation fled the Doctor's mind.

Even with the eye patch – or eye drive, as they seemed to call it here – there was no mistaking the person. It was her – the one he wasn't sure what to call and the one he'd tentatively been letting into his ship and his heart ever since Berlin. Not Melody Pond, because she was someone he couldn't _not_ recognise; the Doctor's mind still dutifully supplied the image of her that he'd never forget – her by the window, her head tilted and her smile almost angelic as she talked about the way she had killed him. This was definitely not her, but it wasn't River either, because River was the one with affinity for adventures and action, for shooting and running, and while she did have that predatory look about her, it wasn't the same as what he was seeing now.

Yes, this was her face and her voice saying that she loved him, but the eyes – what he saw of them – were telling him something quite different. There was still that smouldering hatred, the same desire to kill and torture pointlessly. And while River would have got a kick of snogging Cleopatra just for the hell of it, with Mel it was something else and he could see that she just enjoyed the chance to manipulate someone.

He married her at the top of the pyramid, using the name she would later choose and the name her parents had given her because he knew that Amy needed to hear it. He married Mel, but closed his eyes and thought of River as he kissed her and knew that he'd hate himself for it for quite some time and might never find absolution for it – for doing this to her just so he could be with River when she eventually came along – but at this point, it didn't matter as time took its course and she killed him and didn't kill him by Silencio, and his world was drowned in silence until he met her again.

_I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,_

_In secret, between the shadow and the soul._

_I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where._

_I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;_

_So I love you because I know no other way_

_Than this: where I does not exist, nor you_

_So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,_

_So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep._

_Come over x_

That was the sort of message the Doctor was used to getting from her – and the messy handwriting proved its authenticity – but _come over_ was rather misleading when it came to both Mel and River, which also meant that he'd have to get the psychic paper to track down her coordinates.

That was the easy part – the TARDIS was always happy to help when it came to River – but seeing her was not, especially since the last few times they had met had been hard ones – Manhattan, for example – and yet, he was tentatively hopeful after the time they had almost got sacrificed on a faraway planet.

Come to think of it, she was probably right in wanting to be the one to choose the places of their meetings. The rain gods case had been mostly his fault.

"Hello," she said without turning around as he got out of the TARDIS and neared her, then threw him a look over her shoulder. "Oh, thanks god it's you. You have no idea what version of you I had to deal with a few days back."

The Doctor raised an eyebrow, afraid to ask what 'a few days back' meant for her and where exactly she was in timelines; afraid that they had too little linear time left before she started visiting his past.

"Long curly hair, blue eyes and lots of velvet vests. Ring a bell?" The absolutely delighted look in her eyes showed that she already knew which version of him she'd stumbled upon – and that she was more than pleased.

"Why don't I remember that?" the Doctor asked, rather troubled by the fact that she seemed to do whatever she liked in his timeline without him having any recollection of it.

"Another story for another time. I made sure there wouldn't be any triggers before the time came. He met Melody Malone," she explained at his blank look. "That's how I introduced myself to him, and he thought I was a full Time Lady hiding on Earth from the War. Poor thing. Kept coming back so I had to make him forget me every day. How's Clara doing, by the way?"

The Doctor could recognise a change in topic when he saw one and realised that Mel wouldn't have had him asking for details – he figured he'd have to try and dig them up from his own head – and was also rather relieved that this was a version who knew about Clara travelling with him. Still linear, then.

"She's adjusting," he said, nearing her tentatively. "Apparently she knows nothing about the other versions of herself and I still have no idea what's happening, but–"

"As long as it keeps you occupied, I'd rather have the mystery draw itself out," Mel finished the sentence instead of him and then nodded to the scenery he'd ignored until now. "This is what I called you for, actually. Look. They say it's the tallest roller coaster made by humans. About three kilometres, and it's visited by all sorts of species."

The Doctor nodded. He'd already guessed by the coordinates that he was going pretty far away from his usual destinations – Aketi in the Aten System was famous for its amusement parks and it's florescent flowers, and he had a good idea of which one would interest his wife more, no matter at what point of her life she currently was. "What brought this on?" he asked anyway It wasn't like her to be interested in calling him unless she was in mortal peril.

"I felt like it. It's been two weeks since Manhattan. I need to–" She looked strangely vulnerable and the Doctor quickly said, "I understand" because strangely, he did. For once, he did.

**o.O.o**

As they were secured to their seats by a girl from the staff of the amusement park, the Doctor looked down and realised that he could see only the faintest hint of the people below. Next to him, Mel was adjusting the safety belt by her liking, tightening it to herself and he knew that it wasn't out of fear but because she generally liked restraint when it came to clothes and anything of the like. He kept watching as her eyes darted to the ground and a manic smile crawled on her lips

"Mel?" He tried softly, wondering if this had been such a good idea after all, but she just shook her head, the smile fading quickly.

"It's River now."

"Oh," his voice was barely audible compared to the excited babbling of the people around them. "What happened to Mel, then?"

Her eyes met his and the Doctor could see her there – the woman he knew, and that excited him and terrified him at the same time, because it meant that he was running out of time devastatingly quickly and that the moment was coming when he'd meet her again and she would be someone else; that he'd try go looking for River and would find Mel or Melody instead and he wasn't sure that he'd be able to take it.

"I had to rip her apart if I wanted to live," River's voice was choked and he saw her suddenly fiddling with the end of her blouse, having that look he'd seen so many times before – the look of a trapped animal in a cage that craved to escape but didn't see where to. "I had no other choice, really. She was... _I_ was... someone that could burn the Universe in an instant because she wanted to and she's still there, but I don't think I'm capable of that anymore."

"I'll miss her."

She laughed bitterly. "No, you won't. Nobody will, I think."

"_I_ will." Suddenly, the Doctor found himself saying things he'd craved to share with her for so long and he leaned from his seat so he could be heard by her alone. "It's always been about you, but that doesn't mean I didn't love her as well."

"Too late now, sweetie."

There were a few moment of silence before, for the second time of his life and the first of hers, he said a quiet "Hello," that meant the world in two syllables. The first time he had been greeting Melody when he'd seen her in a whole new light – as Amy and Rory's daughter instead of simply River – and now he was saying it to River during what was an overdue reunion for him and a welcoming for her.

River seemed to understand, if the returning of the smile could be anything to go by. "Hello."

Just then, the roller coaster prepared to begin its descent and the Doctor gripped River's hand tightly, feeling the beating of her hearts, as loud and as fast as his own. He met her eyes for one last time, his lips instinctively responding to her smile as he closed his eyes and they started falling together.


End file.
